Hanging On?
Today I got home and burst into tears. I had thought I had one piece of my funding sorted out but now they are quibbling over a couple of minor details and I’m not sure I can face trying to sort it out. If I don’t get it, I can’t afford to live. It’s taken me over a year to get to this point and it seems that every single obstacle possible is being put in my path in order to make it impossible for me to carry on. I think the universe knows I’m surplus to requirements and is intentionally trying to drive me to the edge. I cried openly and loudly for about half an hour and then contemplated an overdose. I realized that I don’t have enough paracetamol to do it and I don’t think anything else I have in is sufficiently lethal in overdose. Lithium is, I believe, done regularly but rarely kills. It seems to actually be quite hard to kill yourself with an overdose anyway. I thought of a combination but then I decided to strangle myself. I put a belt round my neck and pulled it tight until I started to see spots in front of my eyes. I was then too weak, emotionally, to carry on and I collapsed in tears on the floor again.
I won’t have a chance to try to sort this out until Tuesday of next week so it’s just going to hang over me. I don’t know what I’ll do if that doesn’t go well. I am not calling the CMHT as they clearly don’t give a stuff. I may try the Samaritans (walk in – I don’t do the phone). On the other hand I may not. It seems that no one really wants me to live – the psychiatrist has never asked if I’m contemplating suicide. Every other one I’ve had does, clearly he just doesn’t want to stop me. The funding body clearly want me to quit. As well as asking questions which seem silly to me they do it in a very rude manner. The voices want me dead. I want to live but I’m not sure how long I can carry on this fight for.
Psychotic Thoughts 
The Samaritans are a great organization – if you’ve found them helpful in the past I think you should go to them again. I know I said this in a previous comment but I think your psychiatrist is lacking, I think you can see that also. Like you said all other doctors have asked obvious questions where this one hasn’t. I don’t think it’s because he doesn’t care about you though. Some people are just not very good at their jobs. Don’t blame yourself for his inadequacies.
Paperwork – ugh, I hate it, especially when it has to do with money. I’ve put off my fare share over the years and it has cost me, so I know what you mean about that. But you can do it. Slow & steady.
Sorry to rant a bit here – but I really do think you have a lot to offer and have loads of strength.I’m way over here in Canada but I’m thinking about you and sending positive vibes thru the net.
Thanks for the comments and good wishes. It does help me to know that someone knows what I’m going through and is listening.
Hi. First time on your blog but just want you to know things HAVE to get better eventually. I myself struggle with depression and today was just one of those days that put me near “the edge” but I like you back away from that edge. The action of trying to get help and stay away from that “edge” is hope. And I hope life gets better for you. It can’t rain forever.
Here’s an idea. Get a job.
Oh dear. I tried for over three years to get a job and failed partly due to having a hole in my CV when I was in hospital and discrimination against me if I either admitted to a mental illness or if I refused to elaborate on the gap. I would rather be working but I went back to university to try to get back to doing something and to show I was willing. Comments such as this simply show what the writer is unaware of the realities of life but sadly everyone who lives with mental illness or indeed is unemployed for any reason will have to put up with this shit.
Hey John, Here’s an idea. Get a LIFE !!!