A Bitching Post

•November 9, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I spent the night with R.  It’s odd that that’s something I used to be completely unable to do.

I hope this doesn’t turn in to a bitching post but he’s beginning to annoy me more and more.  Sex is all about him and he really doesn’t get that I have no interest in it at the moment.  He makes fun of my weight.  I’m sensitive about it.  A lot of the gain came from antipsychotics and I don’t think he understands that.  The thing that annoyed me most though was his decison to clean my bathroom.  It wasn’t dirty and didn’t need it and what he meant to be helpful came across as a criticism.

I don’t know how much longer I can stand this.  I need a friend but not one who makes me feel so bad so much of the time.


Revealing Myself

•November 7, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Today I had a psychotherapy assessment.  It was odd in that I found myself revealing more than I expected.  I seemed to get on well with the assessor but I guess they’re trained to put you at ease.  I think it could be helpful if everything works out.

Today I rather stupidly went in to placement to try to make up some time.  Once I got there I realised that the woman I would have to work with was one who intimidates me and who treats students like shit.  I decided there was no way I could stay and I left.  I should have said I was ill or something but that would have meant speaking to her.  I feel such an idiot.  I wanted to cut badly when I got home so I phoned the crisis team.  They came out to see me but it didn’t really help.  I still feel ashamed of my behaviour and am afraid of what she’ll say about it.

I can’t continue to avoid sex with R and I imagine we’ll try it tonight.  I’ve asked him to bring some lubricant.  Hopefully that will make it hurt less.

Love and Fear

•November 5, 2009 • Leave a Comment

R and I have now been having a relationship for a couple of months.  It’s not real and that’s my fault.  He seemed to be getting moody and annoyed around me and I was terrified of losing my one friend so I gave him what he claimed he wanted and agreed to a relationship.  I feel bad as I don’t put in as much as he does.  I haven’t even been faithful – I’ve done two bdsm session with other men without telling him.  Both have involved sexual contact.

I like R a lot as a friend but I’m not in love with him.  I can’t end the relationship though as that would leave me entirely friendless.  I feel like such a cow.

It’s been a while…

•November 4, 2009 • Leave a Comment

It’s been a while since I last wrote anything here.  Things haven’t changed a lot.  I’m currently under the crisis team (again).  I took a paracetamol overdose on Monday.  I had no other drugs as the crisis team have them.  At the time I took them I really wanted to die but after about half an hour I began to have second thoughts and called NHS Direct who called for an ambulance for me.  I got some treatment and now I’m home.  The voices think I’m weak as I chickened out of dying.  Liver failure is a long slow process.  It scares me slightly.  I didn’t know what I was doing.  I had to be seen for a psychiatric assessment before I left the hospital.  It was a waste of time.  All I got told was I need to deal with my anxiety and that my family would be upset if I die.  The psychiatrist was rather patronising too and kept calling me “darling” which I disliked.  There is one member of the crisis team dislikes me too and I always seem to end up getting him whenever I feel down.

I’m still hearing voices – loud, aggressive abusive voices but my mood has picked up a little.  I am back on aripiprazole and I think it may be beginning to work.  I stupidly cut myself on my neck and chest and now I’m having to wear polo necks to cover the marks.  Why am I so stupid?

I saw my GP to get my prescription repeated.  He won’t repeat the dianette as I have depression.  I don’t know what to do about that.

I haven’t been to college in the last week.  I just can’t stand the noise and the people.  I’m trying to study at home so as not to miss out.  I have an appointment for a psychotherapy assessment on friday.  I hope that will be helpful after the personality disorder place turned me down.

I have now been given a CPN which I’m pleased about.  He seems like a nice man and I think I can work with him. He has helped me fill in an application for DLA and it would help a lot if I could get it.  Money is very tight at the moment.

College wise I’m still scared of not getting my assessments done or making up all my time.  I’m going in on saturdays still so hopefully I can get some assessments done then.  I can’t face failing.  I don’t know what I’ll do then.

A Return

•August 23, 2009 • Leave a Comment

It’s been a while since I last posted.  A few things have happened and they haven’t helped my mental health.

Firstly, the council have written to me telling me that I’m not actually entitled to housing benefit so they’ve stopped it.  It means things are going to be tight financially and I’ve no idea how I’m going to repay what they’ve given me.  I think the mistake was made by Jobcentre Plus (as they sent me a letter telling me I was entitled to Income Support and the council used this to assess my eligibility) but that’s really no help.  I wish they would stop fucking me about.  I am quite stressed about this at the moment.

Secondly, as I took time of from placement due to the lithium overdose I need to go through an occupational health assessment before I can go back on placement.  It’s scheduled for Tuesday but I’ve no idea how honest to be.  I certainly won’t mention that I’m still hearing voices.  All this is worrying me too.

My anxiety levels are quite high at the moment.  I can’t relax and find myself pacing or rocking. I have a permanent feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach.   Sometimes I feel unreal and completely detached from my body.  I have to cut to feel something, to confirm that I actually exist.  The voices come in then of course and tell me I don’t exist.  It’s a horrible experience and it can last for a couple of hours.

The biggest development though is that I’ve started to hear another voice, one I haven’t heard in a few years.  It’s slightly different from the others in that it doesn’t insult and criticize me but simply repeats what I’m thinking.  It’s worrying hearing your thoughts outside your head.  While logically I know that other people can’t hear this voice or my thoughts I find myself acting as though they can.  I feel the need to try to control my thoughts to stop myself thinking anything private or uncomplimentary.  This is hard work and almost impossible.  I imagine it’s like having a phobia.  The person with the phobia knows that their fears are out of proportion to the actual risks and yet they still alter their behaviour.  I spend so much time trying to control what I’m thinking that I miss what’s actually going on around me.

I imagine the new voice and the anxiety have been brought on by the stress I feel at the moment and I hope they go away once that passes.  I have some Clonazepam but it doesn’t seem to do much.  The Risperidone has killed my sex drive and that has left me almost completely isolated.  The only emails and text I get are from people wanting sex and I haven’t got the desire or the ability to become aroused at the moment.  On the couple of occasions I’ve tried to have sex I’ve been so unaroused that it’s hurt and I don’t want to go through that again.  It means I have no social contact at all though.  It’s now been nine days since I last spoke to anyone.  I know I should make an effort to make proper friends but I don’t know where to start.

Anyway, at the moment I’m focussing on the occupational health interview.  The stress hasn’t helped my mental state but I fear for it even more if I fail it.

Guilt and Fear

•July 26, 2009 • 3 Comments

At the moment I have an overwhelming feeling of guilt.  It’s an odd sensation as I don’t think I feel guilty about anything in particular other than my existence.  I feel guilty for taking up space and resources.  I feel guilty for being useless and a failure.

I don’t know where this feeling is coming from.  I’ve just started Risperidone.  It could be that.  Or it could be the start of another depression.  I can’t concentrate at the moment and I’m finding being alone difficult.  I’ve invited R round three times this week.  We don’t do anything, I just need a distraction from that feeling.  I’ve been using Clonazepam to try to take the edge off but it doesn’t really work.  I’ve never got much out of minor tranquilizers.

Hand in hand with guilt comes fear and I feel afraid for the future.  I can’t explain it but it feels as though everything is about to go wrong.  I can feel the fear in my stomach.  Sometimes it’s so strong I feel physically sick.  I can’t relax at all.  All in all, I don’t feel good at the moment.

BDSM Boredom

•July 10, 2009 • 4 Comments

Sleepy and fed upI think I’ve reached my bdsm saturation point again.  I’ve done nine sessions in the last three weeks (which is probably too many) and I no longer feel in the mood.  I wasn’t happy with the last two, both of which I topped in.  In the first the man was some kind of supermasochist who took 486 strokes with cane and dressage whip and while that part wasn’t a problem I felt completely out of my depth with him socially.  We had little in common and conversation was a struggle at times.  I felt so unhappy I cut after I left his flat.  He wants to meet up again but I don’t think I can.

The last session I did was a let down for different reasons.  My partner was a novice and I don’t think he was ready for the real experience.  After all of the build up and anticipation he seemed to go through anything was going to be a let down but I fear I did let him down.  I checked he was okay the following day but he was quite short with me and I haven’t heard from him otherwise.  I also fear I pushed him too far on the pain scale.  He had a safe word and a guide word (and used neither) but maybe that was bravado or some sort of endurance test.  Whatever happened I feel bad about it.  I have another session arranged for monday.  I’m not in the mood and the man is becoming more and more demanding.  It’s not going to be a good session either but I can’t back out of it now.

I seem to go through a cycle where I do lots of sessions, sicken myself of it and drop out then feel lonely and start again.  I wish I could break this cycle.  I wish I could relate to people in a way that isn’t sexual.  I wish I could relate to other people on a friendship level and be able to maintain that friendship.  Unfortunately it’s a skill I seem to lack and I’m lonely (and crippled in some ways) because of it.  My psychiatrist has decided to refer me for psychotherapy which I’m quite pleased about however I googled the name of the unit and found it’s for people with severe personality disorders.  Do I have a personality disorder?  I’d like to say no but I’m not sure.  I know that my coping strategies don’t work very well and I have difficulties relating to others.  Maybe that’s what a personality disorder is.

At the moment I just can’t be bothered to do anything, whether that’s medication or reaching the bored and feeling bad part of my cycle I can’t say.  I just hope it passes soon.