Inner Deadness

I’m awake early again. I wonder if this is ever going to end.

For years I’ve felt dead inside, sometimes I’ve been convinced it’s the truth. A couple of days ago I had an ultrasound and it appears (I’m waiting for the blood test results) that I have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). One of the things that fed my fears was my lack of periods – life can’t spring from something that’s dead, maybe that’s why I can’t seem to perform this basic function.

In some ways I’m surprised. I looked at the symptoms of PCOS http://hcd2.bupa.co.uk/fact_sheets/html/PCOS.html) and I suppose I should be lucky that I don’t seem to have all that many of them. I don’t suffer from acne and am no hairier than the average woman. I do carry a bit of extra weight around my middle but I’m not obese and I put it on when I started to take antipsychotics and had always blamed it on that.

I feel my femininity threatened somehow. I have been told it doesn’t mean I will be unable to have children (but I’m getting older and I’d probably need fertility treatment and a permanent pertner not to mention the ability to provide for that child) but even the fact that that potential is diminished seems to make me feel slightly excluded from the world of other women. People make friendships around common interests and experiences. I’ve reached an age now where women ask me if I have children. I feel a slight oddity when I say no.

This reaction is even more strange because I had never been that set on becoming a mother. I guess it’s just you don’t know what you’ve got until you lose it.

The main reason I went to my GP has still not been sorted out yet though. I’m having an awful lot of spotting and I’m bleeding after sex. I got an appointment letter through from the gynecologist telling me to come in for a “minor procedure” next week. I wish they had told me what the procedure is. It would put my mind at rest or at least ease the worry about what’s going to happen. I’ve tried phoning but the appointments administrator doesn’t know and I can’t seem to get a hold of the consultant’s secretary who should be able to find out.

I had a full range of STI tests when the symptoms started (felt completely out of place in a waiting room full of teenagers) but they all came back negative. I hope it’s something minor. I suppose that’s a positive step. There was a time, not so long ago, that I would have put it down to my insides rotting away. That still lingers as a fear at the back of my mind but I can’t allow myself to dwell on it.