BDSM Boredom
I think I’ve reached my bdsm saturation point again. I’ve done nine sessions in the last three weeks (which is probably too many) and I no longer feel in the mood. I wasn’t happy with the last two, both of which I topped in. In the first the man was some kind of supermasochist who took 486 strokes with cane and dressage whip and while that part wasn’t a problem I felt completely out of my depth with him socially. We had little in common and conversation was a struggle at times. I felt so unhappy I cut after I left his flat. He wants to meet up again but I don’t think I can.
The last session I did was a let down for different reasons. My partner was a novice and I don’t think he was ready for the real experience. After all of the build up and anticipation he seemed to go through anything was going to be a let down but I fear I did let him down. I checked he was okay the following day but he was quite short with me and I haven’t heard from him otherwise. I also fear I pushed him too far on the pain scale. He had a safe word and a guide word (and used neither) but maybe that was bravado or some sort of endurance test. Whatever happened I feel bad about it. I have another session arranged for monday. I’m not in the mood and the man is becoming more and more demanding. It’s not going to be a good session either but I can’t back out of it now.
I seem to go through a cycle where I do lots of sessions, sicken myself of it and drop out then feel lonely and start again. I wish I could break this cycle. I wish I could relate to people in a way that isn’t sexual. I wish I could relate to other people on a friendship level and be able to maintain that friendship. Unfortunately it’s a skill I seem to lack and I’m lonely (and crippled in some ways) because of it. My psychiatrist has decided to refer me for psychotherapy which I’m quite pleased about however I googled the name of the unit and found it’s for people with severe personality disorders. Do I have a personality disorder? I’d like to say no but I’m not sure. I know that my coping strategies don’t work very well and I have difficulties relating to others. Maybe that’s what a personality disorder is.
At the moment I just can’t be bothered to do anything, whether that’s medication or reaching the bored and feeling bad part of my cycle I can’t say. I just hope it passes soon.
You sound like a borderline Sociopath actually. That’s not meant as an insult by the way, just an observation and a possible explanation why your doc is sending you to that particular group.
I’m not offended but I’m not entirely sure what you mean by sociopath. The term is rather badly defined. If you mean antisocial personality disorder then I have to disagree strongly. I’m not deceitful or manipulative and I don’t lack empathy. If on the other hand you mean something like avoidant personality disorder then I’ll admit I have some of the features.
Hey,
I don’t know you at all. Sometimes I come here, to this space, and I can’t vocalise what I feel about your situation. Sometimes it intruiges me, sometimes it scares me, sometimes it saddens me. I found this somewhere, don’t know if any of it rings true ??Factor2: Socially deviant lifestyle
1. Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom
2. Parasitic lifestyle
3. Poor behavioral control
4. Promiscuous sexual behavior
5. Lack of realistic, long-term goals
6. Impulsivity
Hello from Italy
I’ll give you my opinion since i can relate with some of your issues here.
The “psychiatric” (which really means medical) definitions of mental disorders are easily misunderstood by psychiatrists themselves. You don’t have any disorder at all, you struggle with internal issues that need resolution, which means you are neurotic (like most people) in the psychoanalitic sense.
The fact that you have out-of-the-ordinary expressions (i.e. bdsm etc) of your neurosis doesn’t necessarily put you in a “worse” position than more ordinarily neurotic people. Remember, too, that it is simply part of the human condition.
All of this is to say: don’t take pills, they will fuck up your mental state and get in your way. The psychiatrists can truly only handle “extreme” mental problems, like real psychosis (loss of touch with reality), panic disorders, heavy depression. The people with this kind of issues can actually benefit from pills, all others will be deluded.
Psychoanalisis is a really good idea, esp. on the freudian or jungian line, but it really depends on the person. If the analyst isn’t really too theoretical, or too “detached” and “prescribing things”, but instead provokes you, turns you around, goes all out to find ways to put you in a position where you have to look at yourself and your issues, instead of letting you divert, then he is a good one.
You need time to truly settle these issues, but by what you write you seem a very reasonable person, not at all detached or psychotic, with a deep perception of oneself and with a good ethical / humane framework.
As for wanting to “relate to people in a non-sexual way”, I think you’re on the good way. If you feel the real desire to relate on a human level then you will search a way to do it. It’s not really something you can do in a day; if you really feel the desire, the need of human relationships, then you will simply try all possible ways to obtain them, eventually, to satisfy that desire.
The idea that you have some sort of inner lack that doesn’t enable you to live out human relationships is wrong. That’s just what a psychiatrist might think, or some way to divert yourself from the fact: human relationships are difficult and you have to put yourself into cold water and learn. It’s like riding a bike, you’re afraid of learning because you might fall down and hurt yourself. Most likely you have avoided the issue all your life and that’s basically how you ended up not being able
Nothing more than my 2 cents really. Good luck