Drowsy, Restless and Unsure
At the moment I seem to be both drowsy and restless. I can barely sit still and constantly feel the need to be on the move. My leg bounces while I sit or I find myself rocking without consciously wanting to. This is punctuated by periods of extreme drowsiness where I am so tired I fall asleep regardless of what I’m doing. I am however not really sleeping at night.
I am blaming these things on my medication but I don’t know which one – I’m currently taking Aripirazole (Abilify), Lithium, Diazepam and Zopiclone. I have been told that Ariprazole can cause all these side effects but that they wear off. I am desperate to know how long that takes. This feels like a form of chemical torture. Tonight I’m trying a night without sleeping tablets as I thought they may be responsible for at least some of my drowsiness the next day. The effects of the diazepam seems to wearing off. I think I may be becoming tolerant to it.
I had my review on Monday and I’ve been discharged from the crisis team. I’m never sure about these decisions. Certainly I feel pleased that I won’t be being visited at home by nurses on a daily basis and am allowed to take control of my medication again. It always felt like a bit of a violation. On the other hand I feel no different and I’m not sure what they’re supposed to have done. Are any of the problems that led to the crisis sorted out? No. Am I settled on my new medication? No. Am I less likely to see suicide as a logical escape? No. So what was the point? I have been referred for a psychotherapy assessment. Hopefully this will provide something that so far has been lacking in mental health services.
I had an exam on Tuesday. I don’t think it went that well. I can’t study at the moment. I just can’t concentrate and during the actual exam I really struggled to sit still for three hours. I was so shaky that one of the invigilators asked me if I was okay. I’m not sure how long I’m meant to carry on like this. There is a great temptation to just stop all the medications but that may provoke yet another “crisis” and I don’t feel there is anything in place to help me should that happen.
Maybe I’m feeling bad as it’s half past three in the morning and I can’t sleep but I know that this drowsy restlessness is wearing me out and making me useless. I wish I knew how long it should last.
