CP and Self Harm

On Saturday I met a man who I have arranged a corporal punishment session with for next weekend. He seems like an extremely pleasant man, refuses to call himself a sadist and offered to cook me dinner afterwards.  There will be no sex.

One question has been bothering me for a while – Is there a link between my enjoyment of corporal punishment and the fact I use self harm as an emotional release?  I don’t think so although superficially they look like similar.  The most obvious difference is that I get no sexual satisfaction from self harm.  It is usually delayed with CP – there will be arousal during a session but no actual sexual release until the following day but even still I think of them as very different activities.  Secondly there is the age I came upon both.  My sadomasochistic fantasies have existed for as long as I can remember, I discovered self harm aged 14.  I have however felt uncomfortable with my sexual preferences both in terms of the bdsm side of it as well as my confusion over which sex I prefer and I think that has contributed to my having a poorer sense of self and a feeling of self loathing.

Sexuality is a large part of who everyone is and I worry that the fact that mine isn’t focused on a person but an activity means I will never find a meaningful relationship.  I worry that, since it’s a large part of my personality and of what I do with my time, that I keep hidden that I will never feel like a complete person.  I imagine all these worries contribute to my insecurities and add up to part of what makes me self harm.

There is an odd side benefit to indulging in CP activities in that it seems to make me more confident and happier in my everyday life.  Maybe that is simply because I’m doing something I usually enjoy or maybe it’s finding out that I’m not the lone freak I always thought I was.  Whatever I can’t see myself giving up CP. My self harm scars can cause awkward moments but they’re mostly on my arms and I am rarely fully naked during a session.  I have never tried to explain my liking for certain types of pain to someone who isn’t a part of that world and I don’t think I’d be able to but the feeling of well being it produces after a session is certainly part of it.

I think that there is a weak link between self harm and CP but only in that my discomfort with my sexual preferences leads to discomfort with myself.  Both are done with very different motivations and shouldn’t be confused.

~ by Rachel on June 22, 2009.